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Wedding expert Linda Kevich, creator and editor of SuperWeddings.com, recently shared her expertise on modern etiquette issues in an interview with a reporter for the Ocala Star-Banner in Ocala, Forida. Should you let children attend the wedding or reception? This is actually a matter which receives much debate. Many couples fear that children could be disruptive at the ceremony and reception, and therefore plan to exclude them. In other instances, kids are eliminated from the guest list for budgetary reasons. I always urge careful consideration before banning children from the wedding, because it does introduce some delicate etiquette issues. A strong arguement can be made that weddings are all about family and the circle of life, which children represent, and that eliminating children from the guest list is, therefore, inappropriate. Weddings are not traditionally 'adult only' events - in fact, throughout history, children have played an important role in the symbolism associated with weddings - and therefore some parents might be offended that you are instructing them to leave their kids at home. In some countries, like Britain for example, it's actually traditional to have the entire wedding party consist of kids because of the symbolism they bring with them at a wedding. Think back to some of the Royal weddings we've observed - the wedding parties have always been made up of 'little people', as the Duchess of York referred to them. However, if, after carefully considering the matter, a couple decides that they will not allow children at the wedding, there are some guidelines which should be followed to ensure that this delicate situation is handled properly: First, be sure to use the proper wording on the wedding invitations when Indicating that the reception is to be adults only by having the words "Adult Reception" printed along with the reception location and time. Never use phrases like 'NO KIDS', 'NO CHILDREN', and so on. This information should be printed on all invitations, when the invitations are being produced by the stationer or printer. You must never write ANYTHING by hand onto the invitation itself - whether it pertains to this or any other matter. To do so is considered to be socially incorrect - in other words, tacky! - and highly inappropriate. Next, it is very important to keep in mind that if you are excluding some children from the guest list, you must exclude ALL children. You can not have different rules for different guests because some people will be deeply offended and hurt - and rightly so. It's all or nothing - anything else would be extremely inappropriate and improper. The only possible exception to this would involve any children who are in the wedding party, however, tread with caution here. While some etiquette experts feel that it may be alright to make this exception, there is a stronger belief that if the reception is to be adults only, no children should be included as part of the wedding party. Otherwise, parents of children who were not allowed to attend may feel slighted that clearly some exceptions were made to allow children, while they were ordered to leave their own kids behind. If cost issues are the reason you are contemplating the Adults Only route, keep in mind that the cost of feeding a child at the wedding will be considerably less than the cost to feed an adult. Most caterers or reception sites have children's menus from which they will serve kids under 12 years of age, typically at a dramatically lower cost. Often caterers won't bother to inform you of this unless you specifically ask about it, so be sure to inquire with your caterer about the availability of child's plates. This may solve the entire dilemma for you so that everyone can end up happy. Is it too forward to include gift registry information in the bridal shower invitations? To include registry information in the shower invitations is perfectly acceptable, in fact, it is thought of as a convenience. The registry info makes it easy for guests to shop for a gift by eliminating the frustrating guess work which is often involved in selecting a gift for someone who's likes and dislikes, or wants and needs, are not well known to you. However, its a entirely different matter when wedding invitations are concerned; Registry information should never be included with the invitation to the wedding - this would be an unmistakable etiquette blunder, and here's why: The traditional intent of a bridal shower, is literally to "shower" a bride-to-be with gifts, so that she may set up her new household. It's not improper to 'expect' gifts at a shower, because this is traditionally the primary purpose of a shower. Not so with a wedding. Gifts at a wedding should NEVER be expected. Etiquette allows that gifts are entirely at the option of the wedding guests - never a requirement. Therefore, to make any reference whatsoever to gifts in the wedding invitation would be to imply an expectation of gifts, which is considered extremely improper and inappropriate. Who should pay for the rehearsal dinner? Wedding? Honeymoon? Traditionally, it was generally accepted that the rehearsal dinner was paid for by the parents of the groom, the wedding was paid for by the parents of the bride, and the honeymoon was paid for by the groom. Today, these 'rules' have changed to a great extent. This is greatly because of changing socio-economic factors. Many couples are now paying for their own weddings. This is partially due to the fact that today's bride and groom are a double income couple, often marrying later in life than was the case in previous generations, and they possess greater financial means than ever before - and often greater financial means than their parents. It's also not uncommon for wedding expenses today to be shared by the couple and one or both sets of parents. The general rule, today, is that the wedding is paid for by whomever has the necessary financial means. It's a very practical approach. Today's rehearsal dinner is still popularily paid for by the parents of the groom, but can be paid for by anyone. Typically, the couple themselves pays for the honeymoon, but it's not uncommon for the one or both sets of parents to cover the expense if they have the inclination or the means. Again, due to the realities of modern economics, it's no longer feasible to have a prescribed set of rules pertaining to who must pay for what. Those who can, do. Is it tacky to have two best men and two matrons of honor? Not at all. Although this is not something we would have seen in decades past, it is being done quite frequently now. And there is very good reasoning behind it - Often a bride or groom might be extremely fond of, and close to, two people. This can present quite a dilema when it comes to choosing just one honor attendant. Ultimately, someone's feelings are going to be hurt, or someone will inevitably be offended. Rather than risk such an unhappy scenerio, many brides and grooms are choosing to have not one, but two honor attendants. Although it is a deviation from the way things have been traditionally been done in the past, it isn't considered tacky, and creates no violation of etiquette, because of the intent behind it. It is something that is done out of consideration and graciousness - and that, afterall, is really the motivation which lies at the core of all etiquette in the first place. Who should give the bride away if her father is deceased? There is no one set rule in such a circumstances. It depends very much on one's personal situation. There are many options - it may be a brother, an uncle, a grandfather, a close family friend, a step-father, or any other individual who might have served as a father-figure for the bride. The idea is to choose someone who the bride is very close to, and fond of. Today, some brides even ask their mothers to give them away in the absence of their father. In many ways, that makes perfect sense. Some modern brides prefer not to have anyone give them away if their father is deceased, since they feel that no one else can fill his shoes, and it therefore would not be meaningful to accept a substitute. Although, traditionally, the bride was always 'given away', such modern deviations from tradition do not represent poor etiquette because they reflect something which is very meaningful to the bride, as opposed to merely 'going through the motions', but being devoid of genuine meaning. Who should receive a wedding invitaton? This greatly depends on the size of the wedding. Obviously, close friends and family are at the top of the list. Co-workers, neighbors, and business associates might be included, particuarly at a larger function. Remember that your officiant and, if applicable, their spouse should receive an invitation. Don't neglect to send invitations to your bridal party attendants, and even your parents - many couples forget that these very special guests, of all people, should receive invitations -unless, of course, they are the hosts of the event. Parents of any children in the wedding party must receive invitations, and it's generally accepted as proper etiquette to send invitations to the parents of the maid of honor and bestman, bridemaids, and groomsmen, unless you do not know the parents at all. Is it always necessary to offer alcoholic beverages at the reception? Not necessarily. When hosting a wedding reception, the aim is to be as gracious and hospitable as you would be when hosting guests in your own home. If you would normally offer guests an alcoholic refreshment in your home, this is generally what you would do as the host of a reception as well. However, out of a sense of social consiousness, some couples have concerns about providing alcohol to guests at their reception - especially if there are heavy drinkers in the social circle. The last thing anyone would want is for a guest to end up in an accident on the way home from the reception as a result of having one or two cocktails too many. There are things that can be done to still remain gracious hosts, while limiting the intake of alcohol at the reception. One of the first things which comes to mind is to have a daytime wedding. Brunch or luncheon receptions typically offer a much more limited bar than what would be common at an evening wedding. Hard liquour can easily be eliminated altogether at a wedding reception taking place during the day. Serving only champagne for a day time reception is not at all uncommon. Daytime receptions also tend to be shorter in duration than evening weddings, so alcohol consumption is limited. It is possible to offer a more limited bar for an evening reception as well, although not as common. Consider providing just beer and wine - or champagne - and eliminating hard liquour if you have concerns, or need to reduce consumption. And of course, under any circumstances, keep an eye out for guests who may have had too much. Let them know that you are delighted that they are enjoying themselves at the wedding, but that out of concern for them, you insist on calling them a cab when it is time to depart, in order to ensure that they make it home safely. -Should the bride and groom fit the bill for people in the wedding party who are flying in from other cities? Yes, etiquette requires the bride and groom to cover the costs associated with travel for any out of town attendants. -Who should be responsible for throwing the bridal shower and bachelor party? It's most typical for the maid of honor and the bridemaids to host the bridal shower. Other close friends may do this as well. It's important to note, however, that proper etiquette does not allow for the mother or sisters of the bride to host a shower - this would be viewed as an inappropriate 'grab for gifts'. The bachelor party is most often thrown by the best man, with or without the help of the other men in the wedding party. It is less common, but equally acceptable, for a brother or close friend who is not a member of the wedding party to throw the bachelor party. It's also not uncommon today to skip the traditional bachelor party altogether - a lot of modern brides will not tolerate their soon-to-be-husbands participating in the antics commonly associated with these events! In some cases, instead of the traditional bachelor party, a more subdued night out with the guys might be planned. Also becoming popular today is a night on the town which both the guys and gals can enjoy together, instead of a night of carousing for just the men! Does the bride always have to wear white? No, absolutely not. In fact, in some cases, white is absolutely the worst color for a bride to wear, depending on her natural coloring. Some women look completely washed out in white, so it would be a very unfortunate choice for them on a day when they should look their most radiant. It is a common misconception that a first-time bride should wear white to symbolize her purity. In fact, it is the bridal veil, not the color white, which is the ultimate symbol of purity for the bride. Modern brides have a variety of color choices for their wedding attire, which are perfectly in keeping with proper etiquette. They can choose from white and various shades of off-white, ivory, ecru, or even pale pastels. Bridal gowns are actually available in a wide range of color options, so that every bride can find the color in which she will look her most beautiful on the single most important day of her life. Can women guests wear pants to a wedding? This would depend very much on the style and formality of the wedding, but yes, under many circumstances, dressey pants are perfectly appropriate. Many women are wearing nice pant suits to weddings, when the style and formality of wedding allows. Obviously, this is not an option for a black tie event or for a wedding which is highly formal, but the truth is that many weddings today are of a level of formality in which pants would be absolutely acceptable on women guests. Is it inappropriate to miss the wedding and attend the reception or vice versa? Not at all! The wedding day festivities generally span many hours. While you always hope that everyone will be able to attend from start to end, it's understandable that some guests have schedules which may not permit them to be present throughout the entire duration, but that doesn't mean that they, therefore, shouldn't attend at all! It's better to at least grace one portion of the festivities with your presence, either the ceremony or reception, than to be a no-show altogether. There is certainly no rule of etiquette which objects to attending one but not the other, and no bride or groom should find this offensive - but rather be happy your guest was able to at least share some part of your day.• |
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