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Dessert
Reception Question:
Q:
We
are having our wedding ceremony at a church and a small family
dinner for about 20 family members. Is it wrong to invite friends to
the church even though there is no wedding reception after for them?
I was thinking about having some food and cake at the church after
the ceremony for my friends who come to the ceremony. If that is not
a tacky thing to do, how would I word it on the wedding invitations? Donna
A:
What
you are proposing to do is absolutely fine, provided that you do as
you have suggested, and show your consideration to those guests who
will not be attending the family dinner by arranging for some food
and cake for them at the church.
This
type of gathering is referred to as a "coffee and dainties
reception", "finger food reception" (usually when cold
cuts, pickles, cheeses, etc will be also be served in addition to
cake), "hors d'oeuvres
reception" (similar to the finger food reception, but may
include heated foods such as sausage rolls, chicken fingers, and egg
rolls, as an example) or "stand up reception" (stand up
receptions usually also include the serving of wine or other spirits
in addition to finger foods or hors d'oeuvres).
Such
a gathering immediately after the wedding ceremony does not have to
be elaborate, and does not need to cost a great deal of money, but it
is the 'proper' thing to do.
Chose
the most appropriate description for this short reception from the
terms previously mentioned ("coffee & dainties
reception", "stand-up reception", etc).
The
wording on the wedding invitation should read:
Finger-food
reception
immediately
following ceremony
in
church hall
This
wording may appear in the bottom left hand corner of the wedding
invitation, or it may appear directly beneath the ceremony
information, right in the body of the invitation wording.
Alternatively, some couples include with the invitation a separate
card on which such information is printed, however, this is an
additional expense and it is not required.
I
must stress that it is very important that you clearly communicate
the type of gathering this is to be on the wedding invitation, so
guests are not confused or misled into believing that they will be
attending a full, sit down meal. Therefore, don't be tempted to
simply say "Reception immediately to follow in church hall",
as that could be misinterpreted. Be sure to be explicit - it should
specifically read "Finger-food reception" (or whichever of
the other terms you have chosen to use).
Some
couples who have this type of reception prefer that their guests not
feel obligated to bring wedding gifts since the gathering will be
rather brief and will not involve a full meal. If you share this
feeling, you may also have the invitations printed in the bottom
right hand corner with the words "No gifts please" or
"Gifts appreciatively declined". Inevitably, those friends
who really want to bring a gift will do so anyway, but this wording
will lift the pressure to bring a gift from the others.
Should
We Accept Help With Hosting the Wedding?
Q:
My only daughter
is planning her wedding and both her and I, after extensive looking,
have our hearts set on a reception hall that is quite lovely, but we
are scraping the barrel to do any type of a reception. In order to
have this hall & meal, I have to skimp on everything else...and
we will not have a videographer nor will we have the traditional open
bar for the cocktail hour. Everything is much more expensive than I
ever imagined...even a cake! My daughter has said that the groom says
his parents may be willing to help if we need it...however, I'm
embarrassed and reluctant to discuss money and they haven't made the
offer personally. They are very lovely hard working people. Although
our family works hard too, we just make ends meet and don't have any savings.
I'd rather not,
but if they offer, would it be proper to accept help with a cocktail
hour, flowers or videographer? Thanks, Carol
A:
Absolutely,
you may graciously accept an offer by the groom's parents to assist
with wedding expenses. This is done frequently today, and it is
nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. The reality is that
weddings ARE expensive. Hugely expensive. And it can certainly be
hard for one family to cover all of the wedding expenses entirely on
their own. If the groom's parents ask if they can help to share
expenses, thank them graciously for the offer and then sit down with
them to discuss how costs will be divided. If you would feel more
comfortable hearing this offer from the parents themselves, as
opposed to a message which is passed along by the groom-to-be, let
your daughter know. Perhaps the groom can suggest that his parents
give you a call. Alternatively, if the message is passed along by the
groom, it might be a lovely idea to then invite the parents to visit
for dinner or cocktails to further discuss the wedding expenses. You
can, if you feel most comfortable, have the groom pass this message
back to them. Extending a dinner invitation is a wonderful show of
graciousness in accepting their offer, and will help to begin
building a warm in-law relationship. Don't worry, you need not feel
that this should be an elaborate five course meal; pot roast,
lasagna, spaghetti dinner, or roast chicken will do just fine!
One
further note, however. If the parents of the groom are contributing
to wedding expenses, it is proper to include their names on the
wedding invitation. For example, it might read:
Mr.
and Mrs. Brides Parents
together
with
Mr.
and Mrs. Groom's Parents
request
the honor of your presence
at
the marriage of their children
Mary
Jane
to
Paul
Michael
on....
Additionally,
did you check our Money
Saving Secrets
section? If not, you really should do so. There are some good, cost
saving ideas there such as holding the wedding on a Friday evening or
a Sunday afternoon. This will usually qualify you for discounts on
the hall, food, DJ, and so forth. If you'll have children at the
reception you'll definitely want to ask your caterer about less
expensive 'childrens plates' for the kids. If you are a little
crafty, you can also save money by doing your own simple bouquets
using silks - you'll find instructions in our Wedding
Crafts section.
Are you having centerpieces
on the tables? You can save money by making
your own, and there are so many possibilities in this area!
Check our Wedding
Crafts
and Wedding
Decorating Ideas
to explore the world of other possibilities when it comes to items
can make yourself.
As
far as videography is concerned, there is no question that a good
videographer can do a wonderful job, and if possible, it's well worth
the expense. But if the money just isn't there, consider renting a
camcorder for the day, or borrowing one from a friend or relative.
Then pre-arrange to have someone capture all of the festivities on
tape. It won't be as professional of a job, but it will be much less
expensive - and is much better than having no video footage at all.
Video really does offer something that photos just can't provide. To
actually be able to hear the voices, the music, and the laughter
really captures the essence of the day in a way that a still
photography simply cannot.
Have
you considered the idea of catering your own reception at all? You
might be interested in the book How to Cater Your Own Wedding
by
Chef Mike Flowers.
As
for the cake, there are ways of saving money here as well. Have you
thought about renting an ornamental wedding cake? Many florists,
wedding supply stores, or party rental shops rent these out. They are
much more affordable than real cakes, but look identical to the real
thing. Just shop around for the best deal because prices can vary
from one place to another and often you can find some very low rates.
Because it is traditional, you will still, of course, want a cake to
serve at the wedding - however, this can be a regular slab cake which
won't incur any where near the same expense. You may even be able to
bake this yourself to really save on costs! (You'll probably need to
bake a number of standard size cakes if you don't have the facilities
to bake a cake which serves one hundred! You can start baking long in
advance and simply store the cakes in the freezer until the wedding).
On the other hand, if you do chose to go with a professionally baked,
multi tier wedding cake, there are still opportunities to cut
expenses - caterers usually charge ridiculous amounts of money to cut
the cake for you. This is because, with all those tiers and pillars,
you do have to know what you are doing in terms of disassembling it
and cutting into it. However, you can avoid the cake cutting fee
(which is often well over $100!), by having a friend or relative do
the cutting for you. SuperWeddings has an instruction sheet on cake
cutting. Feel free to request
it.
In
addition, there are some terrific books available on creative ways
to save money while still having a SuperWedding! Here are some
of my recommendations.
I
hope this has been helpful to you. Your daughter is very lucky to
have such devoted and caring parents who are working so hard to give
her a beautiful wedding. In an age when many parents face difficult
financial situations, often brides and grooms have no alternative but
to pay for their weddings entirely on their own. I hope she realizes
just how blessed she is. I am certain, regardless of the size of your
budget, that this wedding will be wonderful. It is not the amount of
money that is spent which truly makes a wedding special, but rather,
the amount of love which is behind it. And clearly there is no
shortage of that here.
Linda
Kevich is the creator and editor of SuperWeddings.com. She has been a
professional wedding consultant for the past ten years, and now
teaches the business of wedding consulting through a home
study program she has developed. Have a
wedding question? Click here to ask the expert!
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