Carried Away With Vow Renewal?

Q: Is it appropriate to have 6 bridesmaids and groomsmen when renewing your vows? How about a bachelorette party and showers? Receiving gifts? Having your daughter in the wedding? I have a friend that is doing this after only being married less then 2 years and it is getting out of control. Already she is spending over $30,000 on this. The 'wedding' is taking place on September 30, 2000. I really appreciate you answering my questions so I can help direct her. All her friends and family are really upset with her extravagance. Thank you for your time.

Chris E.

A:

I can certainly appreciate your concern. I'm not clear on whether your friend had a traditional wedding when she originally married two years ago; that will somewhat affect the way some of what she is planning is viewed.

If she did indeed have the full, traditional wedding, what she is proposing now would be entirely inappropriate. If that be the case, it sounds to me that, like most brides, she had such a good time at her wedding that she has become somewhat addicted and wants to do it all over again! This is simply not a reasonable expectation.

While the rules pertaining to vow renewals or reaffirmations are pretty flexible, good judgment and common sense are always expected. There is no set time requirement to wait out before renewing vows, it may done after 2 years or 32 years.

Typically, however, after a mere two years of marriage, a vow renewal would be kept somewhat private, personal and low key - no big fanfare. The exception is in the case where the couple did not have a 'real' wedding when they married originally. If they eloped or married with just a handful of friends present at the justice of the peace, without the traditional wedding festivities, today it is considered acceptable for them to combine a vow renewal with the type of celebration they did not have originally. And, yes, that may include attendants and many of the other elements one sees in weddings.

However, if this couple did have the traditional wedding when they married, what they are proposing to do now is highly out of the ordinary, and one could certainly argue, also in poor taste.

As for bachelorette parties and showers, these are absolutely unheard of with regards to vow renewal celebrations. Period. That suggestion somewhat contravenes the entire purpose, thought and meaning behind such events in the first place, doesn't it?

Expecting to receive gifts at such an event, after a mere two years of marriage, would also be deemed highly inappropriate. To begin with one should never expect gifts at such a function. Even if the celebration is to celebrate an impressive 25 years of marriage, gifts are always at the guest's option. But after two years.... In a word, NO. That would be viewed as nothing more than a "gift grab".

Further to that, in this case, after only two years of marriage, it would only be proper for the couple to make clear that gifts are respectfully DECLINED. One typically 'gets the word' out on a matter like this through the grapevine or word of mouth.

From what you have conveyed regarding your friend's plans and intentions, there is only one issue that I can see absolutely no problem with. Having her child participate in a vow renewal or reaffirmation is not at all inappropriate. Good luck!

Big Celebration For Vow Renewal

Q: When my husband and I got married many years ago, we had a very small ceremony in the home of the minister who preformed it. We brought along two of our best friends and their spouses as our witnesses. Three years from now we will be married for 30 years. Would it be silly to even consider a church wedding to renew our vows with family, friends and all the trimmings?

Wendy

A:

Silly? Not at all. This is a wonderful idea. Give yourselves the celebration you were not able to have all those years ago. You deserve it! Surround yourselves with friends and family to celebrate those thirty wonderful years together. Do it up exactly as you want it - a breathtaking dress, beautiful flowers, formal invitations, a tiered cake with keepsake anniversary cake top, champagne glasses engraved with your names and the dates, dinner, dancing, speeches, toasts, hire a photographer, even rent a limo if your like. Do it in the way that most makes you happy. Make your wish list now, start planning, and have the time of your life!

Today many couples, even those who were fortunate enough to have the lavish weddings of their dreams, are marking their anniversaries in grand style by renewing their vows and planning formal celebrations. And in this day and age where often the wedding cake outlasts the marriage itself, a lasting union is much to be proud of and is well deserving of being celebrated in style. Congratulations and many more years of happiness to you!

Telling Guests to Leave Tag-Alongs at Home

Q: We have found the perfect wedding reception site. We only have room for 150 guests maximum. Family members are not the problem, friends are. How do we word our wedding invitation and/or response card to ask them to limit their guests to one person?

Thanks for your help

Adrienne

A:

In accordance with proper etiquette, no notation to this effect should be made on the invitation. However, you can call in the help of close friends and family to help spread the word that you are extremely limited on space, and therefore it is important that your invited guests each limit their guests to just one.

According to etiquette, an invitation is only intended for those to whom it is addressed. Therefore, you will either list the names of your all of your intended guests from every household on the inner envelope, or where appropriate you can do the following: Mary and Guest.

Hopefully your guests will have a proper understanding of the correct guest etiquette to know that this means that they are only to bring one guest. The truth is, however, that in this day and age, many people are NOT up on their etiquette. Our society no longer puts a priority on teaching the rules of etiquette, and so it is understandable that many people are prone to unintentional social blunders. Take special note of my use of the word unintentional. Be patient and kind with guests who err in this area - I can personally guarantee that most mean absolutely no harm, and therefore are deserving of your tolerance.

Should an invited guest return a response card indicating that they wish to bring more than one guest, you have the option of calling them to graciously and politely say, "I am so very sorry, but due to space limitations we are just not able to accommodate more than one guest per person. I do hope that you will understand".

This is what is considered to be the 'proper' way of handling the situation you have described.

Bridal Glove Etiquette

Q: I'm planning on wearing elbow-length gloves with my dress. What is the easiest way to do the rings while wearing gloves. I'd rather not take them on and off. I know that I'm supposed to take them off when in the receiving line right? Sincerely

Kelly S.

A:

What is recommended in the case of the bride who is wearing gloves is to carefully undo one of the seams on the ring finger of the glove; you can then simply slip your finger out of the glove when the time comes to exchange rings. Some bridal salons sell gloves which already have an opening in the ring finger,. however, it is certainly a simple enough matter to create an opening as I have described.

And yes, you are absolutely correct, gloves should never be worn in the receiving line.