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When the
Wedding Gets Cancelled
Q:
Who should inform guests that a wedding has been cancelled
indefinitely and how should the shower and wedding gifts that have
been received be handled? Should a preprinted note of some kind be
sent out to everyone and if so how should it be worded and who should
send them out (bride, groom, bride's parents, groom's parents or each
side should take care of their own guest?) Thank you.
C.B
A:
The invitations should be 'recalled' by whomever issued them (this is
generally whomever is hosting the wedding). If time permits, it is
proper to send a printed announcement to all guests to whom
invitations were sent. If time does not allow, guests may be informed
by telephone that the wedding had been cancelled.
A printed
announcement would read something like this:
"Mr. and
Mrs. John Smith regret to inform you that the wedding of Mary Jane
Smith to Mr. Robert Brown will no longer take place".
It is kept very
brief, and no further explanation is required. If the guests are
being informed by telephone due to time constraints, you may say
essentially the same thing, "We regret to inform you that Mary
Jane and Robert's wedding has been cancelled" (or "will no
longer take place" if you prefer that wording.)
If the engagement
has been cancelled, a brief announcement is normally run in all
newspapers which carried the engagement announcement (if a newspaper
announcement was made). It need only read as follows:
"Mr. and
Mrs. John Smith announce that the engagement of their daughter Mary
Jane, to Mr. Robert Brown has been ended by mutual consent".
Shower and wedding
gifts must be returned to the individuals from whom they came as
promptly as possible. A note, generally written by the bride to be,
should accompany each returned gift:
“Dear Sue,
Robert and I regret to inform you that we have ended our engagement
by mutual consent. As such, I am returning the gift which you were so
thoughtful to have sent us. With appreciation, Mary Jane Smith"
Hopefully this
provides all of the information you require. If you have any further
questions, don't hesitate to write again.
Kind wishes,
Linda Kevich
Professional
Wedding Consultant
Editor, SuperWeddings.com
Should
Parents of the Couple Invite Their Friends and Co-Workers?
Q:
Is it traditional and proper for the parents of the bride and groom
to invite THEIR friends and coworkers? He has been married twice and
feels that it is not fair to his friends and family to have another
wedding. I have never been married and he is also aware of the fact
that, that is not fair to my friends and family and myself to not
have a wedding.... I don't know if it is traditional for the parents
to invite their friends and coworkers?
Mary M.
A:
Yes indeed, it is traditional and very appropriate for friends and
co-workers of the parents to be invited to the wedding. To be proper
the guest list should be divided into thirds, allowing one third for
the bride and groom, one third for the parents of the bride, and one
third for the parents of the groom.
In other words, if
the budget allows for 100 guests at the wedding, the bride and groom
invite 33, the groom's parents invite 33, and the bride's parents
invite 33. In the case where all 33 spots on the guest list are not
required, they can then be equitably distributed among whomever can
make use of them.
Best Wishes!
Linda Kevich
Professional
Wedding Consultant
Editor, SuperWeddings.com
Is It
Still Proper to Ask the Bride's Father For Her Hand In Marriage?
Q:
Before proposing, is it still necessary/courteous to ask the bride's
father for permission to marry his daughter? My look is that it
couldn't hurt to do so, but is it necessary?
A:
Traditionally, in accordance with social etiquette, it was proper to
ask the bride's father for permission to marry his daughter. Today,
now that women have more independent roles in society, this custom
has relaxed slightly and is no longer 'mandatory'. However, it
remains a charming tradition and is undoubtedly a wonderful show of
respect. You are certainly likely to capture the hearts of the
bride's family with this lovely gesture. Therefore, if it is
something that makes you very uneasy, don't feel that you must force
yourself, but if you are comfortable with the idea, it remains a
wonderful thing to do.
Much happiness to
you and your bride-to-be!
Linda Kevich
Professional
Wedding Consultant
Editor, SuperWeddings.com
What Are
'Save the Date' Cards?
Q: Have
you heard of 'Save the Date' Cards? What do they look like and Where
can I purchase them? Also, when is the proper time to send them out?
Myreception is almost one year away.
Thank
you,
Carol
A:
Save the Date cards are a relatively new invention in the world of
wedding stationary. They are small cards which are used when you are
inviting a significant number of out of town guests who will need to
make advance travel arrangements to attend your wedding, OR when you
are planning a wedding for a popular long weekend and are concerned
that guests will make other plans before receiving your invitation.
They are used to provide guests with advance notice of your upcoming
event in order to ensure that they will be able to attend.
You will generally
want to send save the date cards between 3 and 6 months prior to the
wedding. To send them any earlier than that presents the risk that
guests will forget.
You can generally
purchase save the date cards through any wedding stationary dealer,
mail order catalog, or printing company. Very often they are
available in a style which will match the wedding stationary you
select. Inquire about this with the supplier of your wedding
invitations. If you have not yet purchased wedding stationary, most
of these same suppliers sell plain versions of 'save the dates' which
will also do the trick very nicely.
Keep in mind that
save the date cards are not a substitute for wedding invitations -
you'll still need to send those once the wedding draws a little nearer.
The very best to you,
Linda Kevich
Professional
Wedding Consultant
Editor, SuperWeddings.com
Help!
Friendship Ended Over Adult-Only Reception
Q:
My friend is getting married in a few months in the DC area. We live
in Florida. She asked me and my 2 daughters, ages 5 and 7, to be in
the wedding. We have been planning on this for over a year now. I
skipped my plans to go to Seattle for vacation this summer and
planned our vacation around the wedding instead.
A couple weeks
ago, she sent an email asking that my girls not stay for the
reception and sit down dinner. Her explanation was that none of the
other guests have children and they would be bored. The wedding and
reception are being held in an old home that is rented out for weddings.
When I talked to
her about it, I told her I was offended and that she was
disrespecting my children by asking them to be in her wedding and
then not feeding them. She might as well be treating them like a
servant. I would understand if they weren't in the wedding party, but
as members of the wedding party they should be included. As a result
of this banter, she has uninvited us from the wedding and asked that
we not attend. She has said everyone she talked to has told her it is
her wedding and she should have it the way she wants it. She has
accused me of making things too difficult, and has now discontinued
our friendship.
I am kind of in
shock over the whole thing. I am not really sure what to do now. I
read your information on Adult-Only Wedding Receptions.
Please help.
Thank you,
Tara
Q:
Good heavens! You are well within your right to feel offended by this
individual's request and her subsequent behavior. Telling guests that
they may not bring their children to a wedding reception is a touchy
and complicated matter under the best of circumstances, BUT when
those children are members of the wedding party this becomes a
blatant violation of etiquette! As if that weren't enough, for those
children to be required to TRAVEL across the country to participate
as bridal party attendants, but are not welcome as guests at the
dinner and reception is almost beyond comprehension. To call it rude
is a major understatement. Indeed, this is like treating these child
attendants like "servants" -- and that is absolutely unacceptable.
Compounding the
situation even further is the fact that you were intending to go
through considerable effort to attend your friend's wedding and to
participate, with your children, in her wedding party. This always
involves expense, and in your specific case even entailed the
disruption and rearrangement of your vacation plans. I can not help
but wonder where this person's sense of gratitude and appreciation
is. Her behavior and attitude is horrendously ungracious.
The bottom line,
I'm afraid, is that this individual is displaying unbelievably bad
manners. She appears to have no concept whatsoever of what is
'proper' where the rules of social behavior (etiquette) are
concerned. Her attitude is selfish, offensive, and highly unbecoming
of a bride. She is showing no consideration or regard for you or your
children whatsoever, based on what you have described.
While it is true
that a bride has the right to have her wedding the way she wants it,
there are limits! She does NOT have the right treat any guest or
member of the wedding party in a way which has any potential to be
hurtful or offensive. She does NOT have the right to conduct herself
like a selfish primadona, with no concern for the feelings of
other's. That is where the line gets drawn - and your friend has
definitely crossed that line. Anyone who has been advising her
otherwise has been seriously ill-advising her. A bride must
always remain gracious to her guests and attendants, and concerned
for their comfort and enjoyment. Your friend seems to have become
somewhat carried away with the whole 'princess for a day' idea, and
is treating you and your children like her 'royal subjects' or
'servants'. No bride EVER has a right to treat friends and guests in
that manner; it goes completely contrary to the type of gracious,
'proper' behavior expected of a bride.
In the end, it is
not YOU who has made things "too difficult", but she. On
top of it all, the fact that she has now chosen to end your
friendship over the matter only further adds insult to injury.
I can fully
appreciate how stunned, hurt, and insulted you must feel by all that
has transpired. It's not my place to advise you on what to do now in
terms of this relationship, but I can only suggest that an individual
who could treat you with such inconsideration and insensitivity, show
such disregard for your children, and then choose to out-right end
the friendship on top of it all, was probably never a friend worth
having to begin with.
My very best
wishes to you,
Linda Kevich
Professional
Wedding Consultant
Editor, SuperWeddings.com
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