A: Its so unfortunate that you find yourself in this position. I can imagine how much it must hurt. However, I think its very important to ensure you aren't drawing inferences or making assumptions. You say you are invited to the wedding but that your step-daughter really doesn't want you to go. How do you know this? Is this a statement of fact, or an assumption? Similarly, you say your hsband says you should do whatever you want to do, which you have interpreted to mean he doesn't care, and doesn't think you should go. Not caring whether you go and thinking you shouldn't go are two different sentiments entirely, however, you have interpreted that he means both. This is where I become concerned that you may be drawing too heavily on assumptions, and there's no room for that in this situation.
You really need to sit down with both your step-daughter and your husband - whether individually or at the same time - and tell them how you're feeling, what you're thinking, and what you think they are thinking, just as you've relayed it here. Its time for some straight talk between all three of you in order to get this sorted out.
Sometimes, it is true, unfortunately certain people can be so problematic in their behavior that it becomes necessary for other individuals to make the decision to stay away, to avoid the potential for a scene. That may be the case here, but I have no way to know that for sure, and from what you've said, it doesn't seem you can know that for sure either unless you, your husband and your step daughter all get very honest about your concerns. It would be a terrible shame, and perhaps very damaging to your relationships as well, if you made the decision not to go based on conclusions you have jumped to or assumptions you have made which may not be accurate. What if your step daughter really does want you at the wedding, and would be hurt and offended if you did not show up? What if your husband really wants you there but is simply saying that you should do whatever you like because he doesn't want to feel like he is influencing you to put yourself in a situation you may be uncomfortable in? What if you stayed away from this wedding entirely unnecessarily?
Like I said, you all need to seriously talk this out.
There is no question that from what you've described the situation sounds pretty toxic. Ultimately you may feel in your own heart that it just might be better all around - including for YOU - if you don't go. But make sure you are deciding this for the right reason, not based on what you think others are thinking and feeling.
If it turns out that after a honest decision, the conclusion is drawn that it would be best for you not to attend, you can still be the bigger person. Send a lovely note of well wishes.
As for your husband, tell him he owes you a fabulous night out to make up for this. Let him know you want to go, you should be able to go, but due to circumstances you don't feel you can go, and that makes you feel very bad, so he's going to be taking you somewhere special to make up for it!
Editors Note:
Since this visitor also posted this question in our discussion forum for others to share their thoughts on, we're publishing some of their comments here:
Comments:
| Step Daughters Wedding |
| | To answer your question: I think you should go. I have been married to my husband for over 26 years and my step-daughter is getting married and our childern will be together. I feel if you do not go you are giving into the ex's childish behavior. If you love your step daughter you should go and support her and your husband should be man enough to support you. This is happy time for the whole family and being you have been married to this man for over 20 years...Tell the ex to grow up.
26 Aug 2008 11:55am by Lady from FL | |
| Step Mom Dilemma |
| | I understand your feelings. Take a deep breath and remember that this wedding isn't about you, or your husband, or your husband's ex. It's all about your step-daughter. Go and cheer her on. And no matter what, sidestep any toxic darts that head your way. You know how to do this - and no time will ever be more important to your step-daughter than this her wedding day.
And...think about asking the bride out to lunch before the wedding for some fun. Give her a special gift, and let her know how much you care. Let all associations with you in her memory be happy ones. Blessings!
04 Sep 2008 10:13pm by A minister | |
| step daughters wedding |
| | Normally I would agree with the advice the other ladies have given. However, I think the key here is that you mentioned that you feel your step daughter (the bride) really doesnt wan't you to go to the wedding, and that your relationship with her has always been strained. I think that really has to be factored in when deciding what to do. I'm not sure that going and acting like its all one big happy family is realistic. I'd be concerned that it would end up being unpleasant, so what's the point? If you had a good relationship with the bride / step daughter, that would be an entirely different matter all together. Why put yourself through that? Send a lovely note - with your regrets that you can not attend. But that way you don't put yourself in the position of giving anyone the power to treat you badly. Just my 2 cents!
10 Sep 2008 5:06pm by eva | |
| Step-Daughter's Wedding |
| | I, too, have a strained relationship with my step mother. However, I know that it is extremely important to my father that she be treated with respect, and I can agree with that. Since you know the reception will be the hardest part (have to be social, and the ex can approach you freely), attend only the ceremony. In the long run, I would be happier to know that my step mother cared enough to be there for my special day, and respected the family situation enough to not force the issue. You probably won't enjoy the reception anyway, knowing that an ugly situation could arise at any time.
In any case...good luck!
17 Oct 2008 11:14pm by J.J. | |
| Step-daughter's wedding |
| | ME TOO! My stepdaughter is just 18 but her wedding is a few months away. Ive been her full time mom 10 years. She ran away last December to live with this 23 year old guy and his family. (Did not like the rules here birthday came around - not even a phone call. She went to a party at my mother-in-law's days after my birthday and told everyone but me that she was engaged and getting married. Talked over all her plans with her dad and grandma, not me. Worried me cause in the next cople of months my husband will be out of a job. I do all banking and pay the bills and we still have 3 daughters at home. Warned my husband to set a budget for this wedding before she's out of control. She shows up at my house with no warning a week later...just walks in, no knock. She knew I'd be there alone, and dumps all this info on me that she told nobody else about, "health problems" she's been having because of this guy but that she had forgiven him & they were still getting married. What? I chose not to react & instead explained the money situation and that the most we could contribute to the wedding was $2000 but that I would help costs by making all the favors, flowers, decor etc. I can also get her the church and the recepeption hall for free because I'm a member. She gets very happy and we start talking about colors, flowers, and the look she wants. I ask her about bridesmaids - she asked her real sister, her 3 half-sisters, & the groom's 2 sisters but excluded my 2 daughters she's lived with for the last 10 years. The ultimate stab in the heart was that instead of dress shopping with me she had gone with the groom's mom & his sisters & left me out, uninvited. She's lived with these people 11 months & has made them more important than anything or anyone else. They have bad finances too. She also had the nerve to say that she wished that her groom had the same relationship with us as she does with his family. Whose fault is it that? I know nothing about the guy or even what his voice sounds like! They don't come in the house, don't accept any dinner invites, holiday invites, evenings out with the family... always have an excuse, don't answer or return my calls. I smile and wave, they act like they don't see me or like I'm not even there. Yet here I am doing everything for this wedding to try to save them money & make it her dream come true. Now she tells me that her bio-mom - seldom seen, never done anything for her, not doing anything for wedding - has major role in ceremony. NOT ME. And so does the groom's mom. Also she told me what the groom's mom was wearing & that she wanted me and bio mom to be in her same color & style of dress. I about lost it! Since when is the groom's mother to dictate what the bride's mothers wear? I pulled my beautiful gown out of the closet told her THIS IS WHAT I WILL BE WEARING - same color as the bridesmaids dresses & flowers. Told her the more I save by not buying high priced dress for myself, the more money I'd have to spend on her wedding. I'm trying to look at it as I'm helping my husband. Like he's a client. He & she love everything I'm making. It will look like he spent 10 grand because of me. Should I attend? My 2 daughters say they are not going, it has hurt them, being left out of so much.
16 Nov 2008 8:59pm by faeriejoy4u | |
| Step Daughter Wedding |
| | Dear Step Mom
Not everything is always the way it looks or seems to be like.
How do you feel in your heart? What can hurt the most? Her mother trying to make it difficult for you, or for you not to share this special day with her?
Don't worry to much about other people, instead pray about it and you will get your answer.
May God hear and bless you.
Theresa Van Rensburg Claase
info@weddingsbytheresa.co.za
15 Dec 2008 5:12am by Theresa | |
| I didnt go |
| | I DECIDED NOT TO GO TO MY STEP-DAUGHTER'S WEDDING THIS PASS APRIL 18TH, 2009. I DIDN'T FEEL BAD IT AT ALL. SHE WAS ALWAYS RUDE TO ME. SHE MOVED TO TEXAS UPON GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE. WHEN SHE CALLED HER DAD SHE NEVER WOULD SAY HELLO OR ANYTHING TO ME. SHE DIDN'T COME TO MY DAUGHERS WEDDING IN SEPTEMBER 2007. SHE DIDN'T SEND A CARD OR ANYTHING. THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF HURT FOR THE PAST 13 YRS AND I REFUSED TO GO AND BE PHONY. SHE DONT LIKE ME AND I DONT LIKE HER.
20 Apr 2009 12:46pm by KEETER44 | |
| step-wedding |
| | Sorry to hear of the troubles you face at the moment, being a step parent is a very difficult job, and when the adults can't get along it is especially hard.
I don't know whether the wedding has gone on yet or not, but I think if you your step daughter has asked that you not go, out of some conflict resolution-type of idea you should comply. All the best to you as being a step parent is the worlds toughest job!!! I Hope you find some peace with the situation. All the best. | |
