The Wedding Expert - Linda Kevich

Handling Intoxicated Guests

Q: We will be having an open bar at our wedding and want our guests to enjoy themselves, but are concerned about the possibility of guests who might have too much to drink. We wouldn't want anyone to get hurt on the way home after having attended our wedding. How should we handle the situation if a guest has had too much to drink?

A: When you have an open bar, the only way to prevent a guest from drinking too much is to instruct the bartender to do the same as is done in restaurants, lounges, nightclubs and taverns; that is to simply say, "I'm sorry sir/ madam, out of concern for your own safety and personal well being, I am instructed not to serve you any more liquor. I'm sure you understand that. Can I get you a soft drink or a cup of coffee instead?".

And, just as in a restaurant, lounge, nightclub or tavern, there is never any guarantee that some hurt feelings or embarrassment will not arise, but that will certainly be the lesser of the two evils. The important thing is that you will be able to rest easy, with a clear conscience, knowing that no one was hurt as a result of having too much of a good time at your wedding.

Secondarily, you might also ask that the bartender first approach you if he is aware of anyone who has had too much to drink. At that time, you and your groom can go up to the individual in question and say, "Bill, we are thrilled that you are having such a marvelous time at our wedding, however, out of our concern and care for you, we can not let you drive home in this condition. Please give us your keys now, and let us call you a cab when you are ready to go home."

Q:
Our daughter, 27, recently got engaged. I have known the groom's father for 15 years. We are going out to dinner with the kids and the grooms parents, and the question has arisen as to how to handle the check. Is it split evenly? Is someone expected to pick up the entire check? These things sure do get complicated!

A:
You think this is complicated. just wait until you really get rolling with all of the wedding plans! But not to worry, here's the run-down:

Traditionally, the bride's parents extend an invitation to get together with the parents of the groom, and the engaged couple, for dinner or drinks shortly after the couple has announced their plans to marry. As such, the dinner tab is usually taken care of by the bride's family, as they are the hosts.

When the bride's family has not issued such an invitation, the groom's family may then do so. If this is the case, the bride's parents may still graciously take care of the bill, however, by the same token, it would not be improper to leave the bill to those who extended the invitation.

Mother-Of-The-Bride's Question
- Hosting the Wedding

Q:
We want to host the wedding for our daughter - as I thought was the tradition. Her groom-to-be lives in a very affluent neighborhood two hours from our home and she told me that she wants to have the wedding at his parent's home. I am very hurt by this request as I would enjoy planning the wedding with her in our area. Is there some "rule" I can discuss with her that might help us come to agreement on this problem? Or should I go along with her wishes. We can afford to give her a beautiful wedding. Nancy

A:
Your feelings are perfectly understandable and completely valid. It's every mother's dream to help plan her daughter's wedding - chances are you've been looking forward to this since she was just a little girl, as most mothers do.

You need to sit down with your daughter and have a heart to heart talk with her. Explain your feelings to her and tell her how much you want to share this special time with her - and how much it would mean to you to host this wedding for her. Perhaps she thinks that she is helping to remove some of the 'burden' of hosting the wedding from you, or perhaps she simply doesn't realize how much this can mean to a mother of the bride. Do your best to explain all of this to her.

It's true that it is traditional for the bride's parents to host the wedding, when they are financially able and willing to do so. However, it is also important that the couple have the final say in all of the arrangements and that plans be made according to their liking - it is afterall, their wedding day. If for some reason, in this case, it is particularly important for the bride to have her wedding at the home of the groom's parents, perhaps it is because it is a particularly beautiful setting which appeals to her. That does not necessarily mean , however, that you and your husband can not still host the wedding, with the parents of the groom merely contributing the location. You can still issue the invitations, plan the menu and the catering, arrange for the flowers, the band, and so on.

While this may not be the way you would have ideally chosen to arrange things, it may be a realistic compromise, allowing your daughter to have the location of her choosing, while you still have the honor and pleasure of hosting the wedding. Perhaps your daughter could have her fiance speak to his parents to make this proposal. Perhaps, in fact, this is what they have had in mind all along. If you would like to see what the invitation wording for a scenario such as this would look like, write me again and I will be happy to provide you with example.

It should be said that in terms of wedding etiquette, it would generally not be considered appropriate for your daughter to refuse your offer to host the wedding in favor of having the groom's parents do so. Typically, if the couple chooses to decline the offer of the bride's parent's, it is only in favor of hosting the wedding entirely on their own - but, NOT in favor of allowing the groom's parents this honor. That, frankly, would be considered to be an insult against the parents of the bride. If your daughter is not aware of this, it should be brought to her attention. Presumably, she would not knowingly choose to cause offence, be hurtful, or contradict what is considered to be socially correct.

Sometimes the parents of the groom may offer to share the wedding expenses, in which case both sets of parents may agree to host the wedding together. Perhaps an arrangement like this would be a solution to your situation. It is up to the parents of the bride in this scenario to either accept or graciously decline the offer.

This type of arrangement is not entirely uncommon and can work very well, depending on the personalities of the people involved and the rapport they share with one another. You should, however, give careful consideration before proceeding with such an arrangement. It should only be done if all parties are comfortable together and feel that they will be able to work together without significant probability of 'locking of the horns'. Otherwise, it could become a situation of 'too many cooks spoiling the soup', so to speak. If you would like to see an example of what the invitation wording for this scenario would look like, I would be happy to forward one to you upon request.

If the decision is made to go this route, all parties involved should sit down together as early on as possible and clearly define and determine who will be responsible for what, in order to avoid potential problems or conflicts further on down the line. It is very important that all parties involved - the bride and groom as well as both sets of parents - all try to be as cooperative with, and responsive to, one another as possible. If everyone works at respecting and understanding each other's wishes, there is no reason why you can't work together in planning a phenomenal wedding!

I wish you the very best of luck. Your daughter is very lucky to have such generous parents as yourselves. Today so many couples must host their weddings entirely themselves out of financial necessity. Further to that, with today's bride marrying at an average age which is older than we have ever before seen, many a bride sadly has no choice but to plan her wedding without the joy of her mother at her side, sharing with her what has traditionally been a mother and daughter bonding experience.