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Extra
Guests
Q: I
am wondering what the etiquette is when invited guests ask if they
can bring extra people. Here is the dilemma. I have known my next
door neighbors all my life. They are being invited to my wedding.
They just received their invitation, addressed to the parents and
their three children who I grew up with. Their children are 22, 21,
and 18. Now the mother has asked if all three of her children can
bring a date as well. None of them are married and only one has a
girlfriend (of less than a year a year), who I do not like at all. I
do not want them to invite dates because, to begin with, I can't
afford all of the extra people. Apart from that, I think her asking
is rude.
Do
I just come out and say no? Should I have my parents tell her no? Or
do I have to un-invite the entire family? I refuse to have them bring
dates, as they are not my friends or family.
A: What
you are describing is a common dilemma. Many brides find themselves
in the same sort of awkward situation. But not to worry, there is a
very easy way to handle it.
First
and foremost, the number one thing to remember is that it is
imperative that you remain gracious and congenial at all times. Any
other behavior would be very unbecoming of a bride. When planning a
wedding you are preparing to host an event that is still looked upon
as an extremely important occasion in our society, therefore, from an
etiquette stand point, maintaining good manners and graciousness as
you deal with your guests, regardless of the challenge, is a must.
With
that said, here is what you must do. Simply tell the mother,
"I'm so terribly sorry, as much as I would like to be able to
allow your children to bring dates, I am dealing with serious space
limitations and we simply do not have the room. Our guest list has
already been cut back, and we simply cannot squeeze in even one extra person".
This
allows you to handle the situation with grace and kindness, avoiding
any offense or hurt feelings. Chances are that when she hears this
she will understand, and in fact feel flattered that her family was
important enough to make it on to your guest list, considering your
space restrictions.
Who Pays
For Extra Guests Over the Allotted Number?
Q:
It
is my understanding that the invitations are split equally between
the bride and groom's families. Our family will be inviting
approximately 100 guests and the groom's mother gave me her list
which consists of approximately 600 guests of which she figured about
275 would come. Is is appropriate for me to tell her that she will
have to curtail her list to the same number as ours and, if not,
could I ask her to pay the expenses for the extra guests. Although we
planned to give our daughter a formal wedding, the expenses have
gotten out of hand. My daughter told me that the groom's mother told
her that everyone on her list are "must" invites. Also, the
groom's family is very affluent and can easily afford to pay for the
extra guests but she says she believes in the traditional role of the
bride's family paying for the wedding.
Nancy
K.
A:
By all means, you
are within your right to ask that the groom's family cover the costs
of the extra guests they insist upon inviting. You are correct that,
as hosts of the wedding, you are expected to devote 50% of the guest
list to the groom's family, and so you have. And I am certain that if
the number of guests by they were exceeding the portion of the guest
list allotted to them was more reasonable, you would probably
graciously accommodate it. However, this is a little excessive! They
are asking you to extend well beyond what they reasonably have a
right to expect, and are obviously not taking into account the
possibility that this may cause financial burden for you.
Today it is very
common for the grooms family to offer to share wedding expenses, and
it would be particularly appropriate given the situation you
describe. I would recommend that you explain to the groom's parents
that you simply do not have it in your budget to accommodate such a
large number of additional guests and that, therefore, as you have
said, there are only two alternatives: you must ask that they either
scale back their guest list or cover the costs of the additional
guests from their end.
It's a difficult
situation, without question, but do try to handle it as amicably, and
with as much congeniality as you can, while standing firm on your
position. Remember that these people will soon be members of your
daughter's family and therefore maintaining good relations will be of
utmost importance.
Linda
Kevich is the creator and editor of SuperWeddings.com. She has been a
professional wedding consultant for the past ten years, and now
teaches the business of wedding consulting through a home
study program she has developed. Have a
wedding question? Click here to ask the expert!
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