|
Rehearsal
Dinner Disagreements
Q:
My
future father-in-law has told me that he plans to have a party for
the rehearsal dinner. My father has spoken to him and we have
suggested a dinner, something casual and relaxing, not necessarily a
party. Also, I have told my future father-in-law when the rehearsal
will be at the ceremony site, but he has told me he will let me know
when the rehearsal dinner will be. I was shocked and explained to him
that the dinner usually follows the rehearsal. He will not give me
any specifics and I told me it will be a surprise. Should my future
father-in-law include us in on what he is planning, and if we do not
agree what can we say?
A:
While
the bride's family traditionally has free reign over the wedding
plans and preparations, the rehearsal dinner falls under the domain
on the parents of the groom. Trouble is, when planning a wedding, one
quickly becomes accustomed to arranging everything exactly as one
would like to have it, and it can be difficult to relinquish control
when it comes to a related event, such as the rehearsal dinner.
Although
anyone can host the rehearsal dinner, it is traditional for the
groom's parents to do so, and your future father in law has
graciously made that offer. In turn, you must graciously accept the
arrangements he makes. Let him have his fun planning this for you. By
the sounds of things, he is enjoying planning this occasion and seems
to be getting into the spirit of things with it. You are fortunate
that the father of your fiance shows this level of interest.
I
sympathize with how frustrating not knowing may be, but it is he who
is hosting the event, therefore he has the right to take charge of
the plans. Rehearsal dinners come in all forms: from pool side
barbecues, to potluck dinners, to a full course meal in a fine restaurant.
There
are no rules. As long as your future father in law's plan will
include a meal for the guests (since often the individuals
participating in the rehearsal will often go direct from work,
without the opportunity to stop for dinner - hence the purpose of the
rehearsal dinner), there is little that can be said.
Of
course, you DO need to know WHEN the rehearsal dinner will be taking
place. Perhaps you can have your fiance talk to his father to acquire
this information. As you said, the rehearsal dinner is always held
directly after the rehearsal - that's why its called a "rehearsal
dinner"! If he what he is planning will be taking place on
another day, then it is not, in fact, a rehearsal dinner, but rather
another celebration in honor of your wedding - which is nonetheless
generous of him.
If
you are still uncertain about his plans for the timing, do let him
know that you must be advised because it is customary to provide food
for attendants after the rehearsal, and if what he is planning will
take place on another day, you will need to make arrangements to
ensure that attendants are fed following the rehearsal.
Once
he has assured you that his plan will include dinner for all
involved, and that it will be on the day of the rehearsal, I'm afraid
you must leave the rest to him. In the event that the plans he is
making are for another day, tell him how much you appreciate the fact
that he is throwing a celebration in honor of you and your fiance and
that you (or whomever) will take care of food for the attendants on
the day of the rehearsal.
The
most important thing is to remain gracious and appreciative toward
your future father in law for his desire to host an occasion in your honor.
Try
to be flexible and avoid any "locking of horns", he is
after all trying to do something nice for you, and as the father of
the man you are marrying, he is soon to become an important member of
your family as well, therefore good relations at this time are of the
utmost importance.
Children at Wedding Receptions
Q:
I have been doing extensive research in the area of
children at wedding receptions and have read yours, as well as many
other articles regarding "Adult Only" receptions. My
problem is perhaps a slight bit more intricate. I have asked a
younger cousin, age 16, to be an usher because my fiance has a cousin
who is exactly the same age. While he is on the borderline of being a
child, I still would like him to be in my wedding party, so I am
willing to deal with the grumblings of those who believe it to be
unfair to their kids. However, Tom (the cousin whom I have asked) has
a younger brother. Would it be downright rude to invite Tom but not
his brother?
The problem is that I am inviting Tom and his parents
(my aunt and uncle), and Jim would be the only family member who is
left out. I am worried though that if I invite Jim, then I have
another cousin who is the same age, and it would be rude to leave her
out. So, if I invite her, then she has a younger brother (who is
about 9), and then he would be the only person in his family to be
left out. You can see this causes a ripple effect; I have many
cousins. Most of my aunts and uncles would probably respect my
decision not to involve kids, and furthermore, would appreciate the
night out without them.
I am considering inviting Jim, and the other cousin
who is Jim's age, and just dealing with the repercussions. Does this
sound like a viable solution? At least this limits the age of
children to those older than 12.
Geoffrey G.
A:
I certainly understand the "rippling effect"!
This is precisely one of the reasons why we typically advise against
having an adults only reception - it seems there is always someone
whom you feel the need to make an exception for, and then that leads
to someone else, as you have just shown, and it is very hard to keep
things equitable! But I also understand that sometimes there are
reasons that mandate this type of reception, so then you must simply
try to do the best that you can.
I think that what you are proposing would work quite
well in this case since there does seem to be some logic, rhyme, or
reason behind it. Inviting the sixteen year olds to an adults only
reception should pose no difficulty at all - they are at the age
where in many cases they are already treated as adults. No children
under twelve makes good sense. In the case of an adults only
reception, this is the typical 'cut off' point.
As long as you will adhere to this, and not make any
allowances for any one under twelve, you should be able to make it
through this relatively unscathed!
I'm glad to see that you are going into this with the
appropriate attitude, however, in that you are prepared for the fact
that there may be some degree of consequences' from your approach. As
long as you are prepared for this, you should be able to deal with it
quite well. Just be sure to handle yourself as graciously and
politely as possible and everything should go relatively smoothly!
Linda
Kevich is the creator and editor of SuperWeddings.com. She has been a
professional wedding consultant for the past ten years, and now
teaches the business of wedding consulting through a home
study program she has developed. Have a
wedding question? Click here to ask the expert!
|
