Proper Guests Attire For Formal Dinner Reception

Q: My cousin is having an afternoon ceremony and an early evening formal dinner reception for her wedding. My boyfriend and I have no idea how we are supposed to dress. Please help!

A:

An elegant cocktail dress is what is appropriate for you, however, remember that it is inappropriate for female guests to wear white to a wedding! For your boyfriend, a nice suit will do the trick. Black tie may also be an option for him, however that depends on the precise level of formality of wedding. You can find out if it is a black tie event by inquiring with the bride's mother. Often at a formal wedding, black tie is optional, meaning either a tux or a suit would be acceptable. If in doubt, stay with the suit; from what you've described its not likely he could go wrong. Have a fabulous time!

Rehearsal Dinner Disagreements

Q: My future father-in-law has told me that he plans to have a party for the rehearsal dinner. My father has spoken to him and we have suggested a dinner, something casual and relaxing, not necessarily a party. Also, I have told my future father-in-law when the rehearsal will be at the ceremony site, but he has told me he will let me know when the rehearsal dinner will be. I was shocked and explained to him that the dinner usually follows the rehearsal. He will not give me any specifics and I told me it will be a surprise. Should my future father-in-law include us in on what he is planning, and if we do not agree what can we say?

A:

While the bride's family traditionally has free reign over the wedding plans and preparations, the rehearsal dinner falls under the domain on the parents of the groom. Trouble is, when planning a wedding, one quickly becomes accustomed to arranging everything exactly as one would like to have it, and it can be difficult to relinquish control when it comes to a related event, such as the rehearsal dinner.

Although anyone can host the rehearsal dinner, it is traditional for the groom's parents to do so, and your future father in law has graciously made that offer. In turn, you must graciously accept the arrangements he makes. Let him have his fun planning this for you. By the sounds of things, he is enjoying planning this occasion and seems to be getting into the spirit of things with it. You are fortunate that the father of your fiance shows this level of interest.

I sympathize with how frustrating not knowing may be, but it is he who is hosting the event, therefore he has the right to take charge of the plans. Rehearsal dinners come in all forms: from pool side barbecues, to potluck dinners, to a full course meal in a fine restaurant.

There are no rules. As long as your future father in law's plan will include a meal for the guests (since often the individuals participating in the rehearsal will often go direct from work, without the opportunity to stop for dinner - hence the purpose of the rehearsal dinner), there is little that can be said.

Of course, you DO need to know WHEN the rehearsal dinner will be taking place. Perhaps you can have your fiance talk to his father to acquire this information. As you said, the rehearsal dinner is always held directly after the rehearsal - that's why its called a "rehearsal dinner"! If he what he is planning will be taking place on another day, then it is not, in fact, a rehearsal dinner, but rather another celebration in honor of your wedding - which is nonetheless generous of him.

If you are still uncertain about his plans for the timing, do let him know that you must be advised because it is customary to provide food for attendants after the rehearsal, and if what he is planning will take place on another day, you will need to make arrangements to ensure that attendants are fed following the rehearsal.

Once he has assured you that his plan will include dinner for all involved, and that it will be on the day of the rehearsal, I'm afraid you must leave the rest to him. In the event that the plans he is making are for another day, tell him how much you appreciate the fact that he is throwing a celebration in honor of you and your fiance and that you (or whomever) will take care of food for the attendants on the day of the rehearsal.

The most important thing is to remain gracious and appreciative toward your future father in law for his desire to host an occasion in your honor.

Try to be flexible and avoid any "locking of horns", he is after all trying to do something nice for you, and as the father of the man you are marrying, he is soon to become an important member of your family as well, therefore good relations at this time are of the utmost importance.

Children at Wedding Receptions

Q: I have been doing extensive research in the area of children at wedding receptions and have read yours, as well as many other articles regarding "Adult Only" receptions. My problem is perhaps a slight bit more intricate. I have asked a younger cousin, age 16, to be an usher because my fiance has a cousin who is exactly the same age. While he is on the borderline of being a child, I still would like him to be in my wedding party, so I am willing to deal with the grumblings of those who believe it to be unfair to their kids. However, Tom (the cousin whom I have asked) has a younger brother. Would it be downright rude to invite Tom but not his brother?

The problem is that I am inviting Tom and his parents (my aunt and uncle), and Jim would be the only family member who is left out. I am worried though that if I invite Jim, then I have another cousin who is the same age, and it would be rude to leave her out. So, if I invite her, then she has a younger brother (who is about 9), and then he would be the only person in his family to be left out. You can see this causes a ripple effect; I have many cousins. Most of my aunts and uncles would probably respect my decision not to involve kids, and furthermore, would appreciate the night out without them.

I am considering inviting Jim, and the other cousin who is Jim's age, and just dealing with the repercussions. Does this sound like a viable solution? At least this limits the age of children to those older than 12.

Geoffrey G.

A:

I certainly understand the "rippling effect"! This is precisely one of the reasons why we typically advise against having an adults only reception - it seems there is always someone whom you feel the need to make an exception for, and then that leads to someone else, as you have just shown, and it is very hard to keep things equitable! But I also understand that sometimes there are reasons that mandate this type of reception, so then you must simply try to do the best that you can.

I think that what you are proposing would work quite well in this case since there does seem to be some logic, rhyme, or reason behind it. Inviting the sixteen year olds to an adults only reception should pose no difficulty at all - they are at the age where in many cases they are already treated as adults. No children under twelve makes good sense. In the case of an adults only reception, this is the typical 'cut off' point.

As long as you will adhere to this, and not make any allowances for any one under twelve, you should be able to make it through this relatively unscathed!

I'm glad to see that you are going into this with the appropriate attitude, however, in that you are prepared for the fact that there may be some degree of consequences' from your approach. As long as you are prepared for this, you should be able to deal with it quite well. Just be sure to handle yourself as graciously and politely as possible and everything should go relatively smoothly!