Excluded From Destination Wedding, But Invited to the Shower

Q: My great-niece is getting married in Hawaii in October. Her mother and I, and her mother's 2 sisters, grew up together. We are of the same age. My sister, the bride-to-be's grandmother, was 23 years older than me. She has since passed away from cancer. Before she died, she and I were at odds over the fact that she had put our mom in a rest home. So there were bad feelings between 2 of my nieces and myself. Now, I hear through the grapevine that my great niece is getting married but there is no mention to me or my daughter (who is 32) being invited to the wedding. Then last week I get an invitation to the wedding shower with a list of where the bride is registered for gifts! Not only am I terribly hurt, but I have never heard of anyone inviting someone to the shower and not to the wedding. Well I finally got the guts to ask my niece (the bride-to-be's mom), why? Embarrassed, she said that it started out to be a very small wedding with just the bride and groom's parents going. Then the brother and sisters and aunts and uncles. So now supposedly they could only invite 45 guests. And they didn't want to ask me and not my daughter and her family since there wasn't enough room for us all. So they opted to not invite either of us. Everyone else got invited. I have never had a problem with my great niece. Was this appropriate for them to not invite us or should they have made sure that all immediate family was able to go, so as to not leave anyone out? Now of course they are apologizing and wanting me to go. Which I am not. Just wondering what the proper way to handle this was? Your prompt response would sure be appreciated.

P.S. I did send a gift via mail order from Crate and Barrel to the address of the shower.

Sincerely,

Mary D. - Kings Beach, California

A:

Generally speaking, it is not appropriate to invite all members of a family to a wedding, while excluding only two. When someone does this, they should expect that it will likely cause offense. Ultimately, however, the hosts and /or the couple have the right to decide who they will and will not have in attendance. Obviously there are times when personal issues and differences may affect who is or isn't invited. If someone has hard feelings towards a particular individual, it is understandable that they may not want that person at their wedding. So the particular circumstances always need to be examined and analyzed on a case by case basis.

The most blatant problem in the situation you have described, however, comes into play with regards to the bridal shower. It is absolutely not appropriate to invite someone to attend the bridal shower when that person is not going to be invited to the wedding itself. Etiquette is very clear in stating that only those who will be invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower. A shower is strictly a gift-giving occasion, unlike a wedding where gifts are always considered "optional" according to traditional etiquette. The entire purpose of a shower is to "shower the bride with gifts", and gifts are always expected. So to invite a person only to the shower (a gift giving occasion) and not to the wedding (a social occasion) is, in the eyes of etiquette a HUGE no-no because it may appear as a "gift grab". Essentially, it could be construed that they are telling you they want your "presents" not your "presence" - and that is simply offensive and inappropriate.

Wedding etiquette is very clear in stating that if a person is good enough to be invited to a shower, they are good enough to be invited to the wedding as well - and in fact, they must be invited to the wedding. If the hosts do not wish to issue a wedding invitation to a particular individual, they should not issue a shower invitation either. This is where the real offense has occurred with respect to the situation you are in, based on the principals of proper wedding etiquette.

I hope these insights have been helpful to you. I understand that situations like this can be hurtful and offensive, and you have a right to feel that way. However, try to avoid dwelling on it or making it into a big issue because that will only bring you down; and why should you give that kind of power to others? Life is too short to focus on the negative, so my best advice is to put your energy into something that will make you feel positive and happy instead. You can't change the actions of others, but you can control the reaction you will allow yourself to have to those actions. I suggest you and your daughter go and do something special for yourselves on that day (have lunch somewhere snazzy, or go for a massage or a pedicure together and get pampered - but no talking or thinking about this!) and don't let this situation bring you down. It's just not worth the energy.

Very best wishes,

Linda Kevich
Professional Wedding Consultant
Editor, SuperWeddings.com
Director, International Institute of Weddings

Bride Forbids Guests to Wear Same Color as Bridal Party, Citing "Unwritten Law".

Q: My sister bought a dress for my daughter's wedding that is the same color as the matron of honor's dress (the only attendant). The dress was bought before we knew what color the matron of honor was wearing. My daughter says my sister cannot wear the dress, so now my sister is not coming to the wedding. My daughter says it is an unwritten law that no one should wear the same color as the wedding party. My sister cannot afford another dress and we are feeling awful about this. I need help quickly. Thank you

Jenny M. - New Westminster, BC Canada

A:

This is an extremely simple matter. There is absolutely NO such "unwritten law" implying that a wedding guest can not wear the same color as the wedding party or matron of honor. The mere thought of that is, quite frankly, utterly ridiculous.

To demonstrate that point, why don't we ponder some of the logistics of this from a practical standpoint for a moment, and it will quickly become apparent just how foolish this notion is. For example, it's not uncommon for hundreds of people to be invited to a wedding, and most often they are entirely unaware of what the bridal party or matron of honor will be wearing until they arrive at the event. So how exactly would they be expected to know what color to avoid, if indeed they are not to wear the some color as the wedding party? What does the bride expect to do - have the 'color police' stand at the door, turning away any guests who happened to wear the "wrong" color? Does this sound like the proper and gracious way of treating guests at a wedding? And have you ever seen a wedding invitation that instructed that guests should not wear a particular color because the matron of honor or wedding party will be wearing said color? I would certainly hope not.

I'm extremely curious as to just where exactly the bride-to-be has heard this "unwritten rule". She had better check her sources, because she is WAY off base on this one. I suggest you take her on a trip to the local library or book store, start cracking open the wedding etiquette books, and ask her to show you one such book - even just one - that indicates it would be improper for any wedding guest to wear the same color as the wedding party.

To be very clear, your sister has every right to wear whatever color of dress it is that she has chosen. The only one breaking any laws of etiquette here is your daughter, the bride-to-be - and she's doing it in a very BIG way. She has offended and hurt your sister with her horrendous conduct in this situation, to the point that your sister has decided not to even attend the wedding - and given the circumstances, no one would blame your sister for that. The bride-to-be has very badly mistreated a wedding guest - one who happens to be her own aunt, to make matters even worse.

This behavior is VERY UNBECOMING of a bride. Brides are expected to conduct themselves with grace and graciousness, and this bride has failed terribly in that respect, instead acting selfishly, irrationally, and offensively.

The only "laws" pertaining to weddings are the laws of etiquette; and most of these are, in fact, written in the etiquette books, and very easily verifiable - as opposed to the mysterious 'unwritten' variety your daughter attempts to persuade you of.

The basis of ALL proper etiquette is very simple: One must never do anything which has the potential to hurt, offend, or embarrass another human being or themselves, or make someone else feel uncomfortable - and yet your daughter has managed to do ALL of the above with one fell swoop.

All "rules" of etiquette revolve around this concept I have just stated, and it is the very reason etiquette was developed in the first place.

Now that the bride to be has created this great mess, it would be wise and proper for her to immediately give her aunt a very humble and heart-felt apology, and hope that she accepts. The bride-to-be should acknowledge this dreadful mistake and her bad behavior, and sincerely ask her aunt to please reconsider and attend the wedding. She should make it clear to her aunt that she should absolutely wear the dress she has picked out for the wedding, tell her she would be greatly disappointed if she didn't, and pay her a compliment by telling her she thinks the color will look absolutely lovely on her. Then she should hope that some day her aunt will be able to forget this ugly display of bad behavior.

You might also tell the bride to prepare herself for the fact that, obviously, there is a darn good chance that others may also wear that color to the wedding. She needs to get her mind around the fact that there is absolutely nothing improper about that, that she has no right or ability to control it, and that she has no valid reason to be bothered by it.

I hope that this has helped and that the matter can be appropriately remedied and resolved.

Warm wishes,

Linda Kevich
Professional Wedding Consultant
Editor, SuperWeddings.com
Director, International Institute of Weddings