Excluded
From Destination Wedding, But Invited to the Shower
Q:My
great-neice is getting married in Hawaii in October. Her mother and
I, and her mother's 2 sisters, grew up together. We are of the same
age. My sister, the bride-to-be's grandmother, was 23 years older
than me. She has since passed away from cancer. Before she died, she
and I were at odds over the fact that she had put our mom in a rest
home. So there were bad feelings between 2 of my neices and myself.
Now, I hear through the grapevine that my great niece is getting
married but there is no mention to me or my daughter (who is 32)
being invited to the wedding. Then last week I get an invitation to
the wedding shower with a list of where the bride is registered for
gifts! Not only am I terribly hurt, but I have never heard of anyone
inviting someone to the shower and not to the wedding. Well I finally
got the guts to ask my niece (the bride-to-be's mom), why?
Embarrassed, she said that it started out to be a very small wedding
with just the bride and groom's parents going. Then the brother and
sisters and aunts and uncles. So now supposedly they could only
invite 45 guests. And they didn't want to ask me and not my daughter
and her faimly since there wasn't enough room for us all. So they
opted to not invite either of us. Everyone else got invited. I have
never had a problem with my great niece. Was this appropriate for
them to not invite us or should they have made sure that all
immediate family was able to go, so as to not leave anyone out? Now
of course they are appologizing and wanting me to go. Which I am not.
Just wondering what the proper way to handle this was? Your prompt
response would sure be appreciated.
P.S. I did send a
gift via mail order from Crate and Barrel to the address of the shower.
Sincerely,
Mary D.
Kings Beach, California
Q:Dear
Mary,
Generally
speaking, it is not appropriate to invite all members of a family to
a wedding, while excluding only two. When someone does this, they
should expect that it will likely cause offence. Utlimately, however,
the hosts and /or the couple have the right to decide who they will
and will not have in attendance. Obviously there are times when
personal issues and differences may affect who is or isn't invited.
If someone has hard feelings towards a particular individual, it is
understandable that they may not want that person at their wedding.
So the particular circumstances always need to be examined and
analyzed on a case by case basis.
The most blatant
problem in the situation you have described, however, comes into play
with regards to the bridal shower. It is absolutely not appropriate
to invite someone to attend the bridal shower when that person is not
going to be invited to the wedding itself. Etiquette is very clear in
stating that only those who will be invited to the wedding should be
invited to the shower. A shower is strictly a gift-giving occassion,
unlike a wedding where gifts are always considered
"optional" according to traditional etiquette. The entire purpose
of a shower is to "shower the bride with gifts", and gifts
are always expected. So to invite a person only to the shower (a gift
giving occasion) and not to the wedding (a social occasion) is, in
the eyes of etiquette a HUGE no-no because it may appear as a
"gift grab". Essentially, it could be construed that they
are telling you they want your "presents" not your
"presence" - and that is simply offensive and inappropriate.
Wedding etiquette
is very clear in stating that if a person is good enough to be
invited to a shower, they are good enough to be invited to the
wedding as well - and in fact, they must be invited to the
wedding. If the hosts do not wish to issue a wedding invitation to a
particular individual, they should not issue a shower invitation
either. This is where the real offence has occurred with respect to
the situation you are in, based on the principals of proper wedding etiquette.
I hope these
insights have been helpful to you. I understand that situations like
this can be hurtful and offensive, and you have a right to feel that
way. However, try to avoid dwelling on it or making it into a big
issue because that will only bring you down; and why should you give
that kind of power to others? Life is too short to focus on the
negative, so my best advice is to put your energy into something that
will make you feel positive and happy instead. You can't change the
actions of others, but you can control the reaction you will allow
yourself to have to those actions. I suggest you and your daughter go
and do something special for yourselves on that day (have lunch
somewhere snazzy, or go for a massage or a pedicure together and get
pampered - but no talking or thinking about this!) and don't let this
situation bring you down. It's just not worth the energy.
Very best wishes,
Linda Kevich
Professional
Wedding Consultant
Editor, SuperWeddings.com
Director,
International Institute of Weddings
Bride
Forbids Guests to Wear Same Color as Bridal Party, Citing
"Unwritten Law".
Q: My
sister bought a dress for my daughter's wedding that is the same
color as the matron of honor's dress (the only attendant). The dress
was bought before we knew what color the matron of honor was wearing.
My daughter says my sister cannot wear the dress, so now my sister is
not coming to the wedding. My daughter says it is an unwritten law
that no one should wear the same color as the wedding party. My
sister cannot afford another dress and we are feeling awful about
this. I need help quickly. Thank you
Jenny M.
New Westminster, BC
Canada
A:
Dear Jenny,
This is an
extremely simple matter. There is absolutely NO such "unwritten
law" implying that a wedding guest can not wear the same color
as the wedding party or matron of honor. The mere thought of that is,
quite frankly, utterly ridiculous.
To demonstrate
that point, why don't we ponder some of the logistics of this from a
practical standpoint for a moment, and it will quickly become
apparent just how foolish this notion is. For example, it's not
uncommon for hundreds of people to be invited to a wedding, and most
often they are entirely unaware of what the bridal party or matron of
honor will be wearing until they arrive at the event. So how exactly
would they be expected to know what color to avoid, if indeed they
are not to wear the some color as the wedding party? What does the
bride expect to do - have the 'color police' stand at the door,
turning away any guests who happened to wear the "wrong"
color? Does this sound like the proper and gracious way of treating
guests at a wedding? And have you ever seen a wedding invitation that
instructed that guests should not wear a particular color because the
matron of honor or wedding party will be wearing said color? I would
certainly hope not.
I'm extremely
curious as to just where exactly the bride-to-be has heard this
"unwritten rule". She had better check her sources, because
she is WAY off base on this one. I suggest you take her on a trip to
the local library or book store, start cracking open the wedding
etiquette books, and ask her to show you one such book - even just one
- that indicates it would be improper for any wedding guest to wear
the same color as the wedding party.
To be very clear,
your sister has every right to wear whatever color of dress it is
that she has chosen. The only one breaking any laws of etiquette here
is your daugther, the bride-to-be - and she's doing it in a very BIG
way. She has offended and hurt your sister with her horrendous
conduct in this situation, to the point that your sister has decided
not to even attend the wedding - and given the circumstances, no one
would blame your sister for that. The bride-to-be has very badly
mistreated a wedding guest - one who happens to be her own aunt, to
make matters even worse.
This behavior is
VERY UNBECOMING of a bride. Brides are expected to conduct themselves
with grace and graciousness, and this bride has failed terribly in
that respect, instead acting selfishly, irrationally, and offensively.
The only
"laws" pertaining to weddings are the laws of etiquette;
and most of these are, in fact, written in the etiquette books, and
very easily verifiable - as opposed to the mysterious 'unwritten'
variety your daughter attempts to persuade you of.
The basis of ALL
proper etiquette is very simple: One must never do anything which has
the potential to hurt, offend, or embarrass another human being or
themselves, or make someone else feel uncomfortable - and yet your
daughter has managed to do ALL of the above with one fell swoop.
All
"rules" of etiquette revolve around this concept I have
just stated, and it is the very reason etiquette was developed in the
first place.
Now that the bride
to be has created this great mess, it would be wise and proper for
her to immediately give her aunt a very humble and heart-felt
apology, and hope that she accepts. The bride-to-be should
acknoweldge this dreadful mistake and her bad behaviour, and
sincerely ask her aunt to please reconsider and attend the wedding.
She should make it clear to her aunt that she should absolutely wear
the dress she has picked out for the wedding, tell her she would be
greatly disappointed if she didn't, and pay her a compliment by
telling her she thinks the color will look absolutely lovely on her.
Then she should hope that some day her aunt will be able to forget
this ugly display of bad behaviour.
You might also
tell the bride to prepare herself for the fact that, obviously, there
is a darn good chance that others may also wear that
color to the wedding. She needs to get her mind around the fact that
there is absolutely nothing improper about that, that she has no
right or ability to control it, and that she has no valid reason to
be bothered by it.
I hope that this
has helped and that the matter can be appropriately remedied and resolved.
Warm wishes,
Linda Kevich
Professional
Wedding Consultant
Editor, SuperWeddings.com
Director,
International Institute of Weddings |
